Notes on resolving family conflict

Below are some notes I’ve made in my experience of being ‘disconnected’ from one of my brothers, both feelings and general observations:

• the feeling of being isolated and alienated, overhearing conversations he is having with others in the office that were I to join in, he’d withdraw from
• the feeling of being unwelcome, as though he’d truly prefer my being dead rather than sharing the same space with him
• I feel perpetually on the defensive, as though at anytime I might have to answer for what I’ve done even though I’ve done nothing wrong
• I try and bridge the divide but nothing I do makes things any better and a feeling of powerless seeps in
• my judgment becomes cloudy - ‘is this his fault or mine?’
• I second guess myself constantly, lose confidence in my own instincts and long to be someplace else
• and yet I can’t be someplace else, I’ve got to put in a full day’s and behave as though nothing is wrong
• even though I’m in my own office, I am working from a place which has me ‘ill at ease.’ I know that as good as I might sound to my clients, inwardly I know that I’m ‘off my game.’
• it’s not as though I have ever relied on him for my sense of well-being or self-esteem, we are hardly the closest of friends
• but the moment the disagreement occurred, his refusal to say hello to me, his refusal to reconcile and instead to sever any form of communication has been painful
• I worry about the fallout affecting my relationship with those he’s closest to - his family, his staff, his friends - as though the first thing I’d have to do were I to encounter any of them on their own would be to apologize, rather than a simple ‘hello’…

All which has me determined to do what I can to ensure this isn’t repeated in our family with these allowances, especially as our kids are starting families of their own.

• it would be ridiculous to expect that any family can avoid disagreements, or that we’d all be on the same page for all the big decisions we’ll have to make
• that regardless of whether it’s the purchase or sale of family property, or when to send Dad to the nursing home, or disputes on how children are to be raised, or the way we refer to each other at the dinner table, it is vital that we work hard to prevent any disagreement from becoming a family schism.

So here are my rules of engagement' in family conflict:

Respect. We should each have respect for one another regardless of how we might disagree. No rolling of eyes, no cutting anybody off, no demeaning of the other, no belittling, no name-calling, no shaming.

Forgiveness. Families invariably get to know each other well enough to have more than enough excuses not to forgive each other when differences arise, but forgiveness is a must. Forgiveness must prevail over animosity regardless of how well reasoned the animosity is.

Reconciliation is a two way street. It would be unfair were my brother to start speaking to me again, if the conversation were limited to just his complaint against me. Both parties must have their say. It is not enough for one to unload without allowing the other to unload as well.

Determination. Regardless of how divided one feels from another family member, regardless of how badly the other is behaving - we are determined to believe the best about that person and appeal to what is best in them.

Communication. Avoid emotional distancing. When things get divisive, communication can be forced and awkward but better that than no communication at all. Work through the hard parts to get to the kind parts. No communication is what happens among enemies and the longer the non-communication, the less likely reconciliation. Keep the lines open whatever it takes. Listen well. Sometimes the hurt is something other than what’s being expressed.

Protection. Everyone has the right of self-defence and the expectation of being defended when criticized. If a family member is being picked on beyond the usual tease or ‘dissed’, others of us should rise to his or her defence regardless of how awkward it might be socially.  Particular to my disconnect with the one brother it has helped that another brother has come to my defence.
Also, if any of us feel like we’re being picked on and nobody gets it, we should still speak up. Too often when we’re hurt, we are hesitant to speak up and instead suppress what is a normal healthy reaction to being wronged.